She believed she could, but she didn't because she was tired
Pray for me.
I'm behind on my blood work by three months.
Nothing's wrong, I'm just tired of waiting on labs, running to doctors' appointments and being stuck with needles.
I'm behind partially because I've been really busy and it's tough to find a moment to get labs done between a million meetings. Or maybe it's because I like when life doesn't feel like I'm always rushing and waiting; rushing back and forth from mid-day appointments and impatiently waiting on notifications for results. Perhaps, I'm nervous because I saw how cancer snuck up on my grandma, again, and I have too many things I want to accomplish before someone hints I need an extra scan or a new test performed.
So, this will seem really trivial to some, but today, I'm a little over a year from my last day of active treatment and if I'm honest, some days, maintaining is exhausting.
This isn't a competition about who can suffer the most or who is having a harder time. And one person's pain doesn't invalidate another person's experience. So, withhold your judgement when I say this journey continues well after active treatment and it isn't always easy.
I cried on my last day of radiation because I felt like I had been holding my breath for months. I had finally accomplished what I set out to do which is "beat" breast cancer and yet, some days it feels like I'm still at war with my body. Like I'm always waiting on an ambush.
And that, my friend, is exhausting.
So, yeah. I fell off the wagon.
Because I just needed a moment to not be reminded that my body is not what it once was. I needed a minute to not think about whether the results were new normal or abnormal. I needed a second just to catch my breath.
The biggest revelation I've had during my little rebellion is I need to do a better job at self-care. I need to re-establish my morning routine of mind, body and spirit preparation for the day. Because the only person that gets hurt when I fail to follow through is me.
So, an appointment was made, the blood was drawn and once again, the wait is on.