The new normal: Forcing old standards on a new body

I've written a dozen blogs over the last couple of weeks -- in my head (obviously).

I've been so tired y'all. I mean, the struggle is real

And unfortunately, it's part of the "new normal."

I get tired a lot faster. So, working all day and coming home to write a blog, process sales, design new styles for the shop, spend time with my little family and eat dinner is a bit much sometimes. 

Recently, I found myself at a crossroad; torn between what I want to do and what's physically possible. 

I've been frustrated. 

Fighting against reality. 

Pushing myself to the limits then, paying the price because this doesn't feel like me. 

"I" do Zumba and kickboxing at home just for fun. "I" run around parks for a couple of hours trying to take the perfect photos. "I" stay up all night reading and binge watching Netflix. "I" work in fast-paced, high-stress environments and it's not a big deal. 

"I" am not the same. 

I'm heat intolerant meaning I dehydrate super easy. Usually, within 30 minutes when the weather's warm and 15 when I attempt to do cardio. My bones literally ache to the point it hurts to walk some days. I spend most nights tossing and turning because night sweats are insane. And don't get me started on what cancer treatment has done to my sex life because tackling those issues are its own journey (that I don't think get talked about enough) and it deserves its own blog series.

Long story short, this body has changed a lot and as a result, changed some of the things "I" can do.

Last weekend, I found myself watching people excel at things I used to do and having fun doing things I want to do and I'm not going to lie, I got a little sad.

The sadness hit me at such an awkward time because I really accomplished a lot last week. I pulled together an important campaign at work. I was onboarded as a State Leader for Young Survival Coalition. I received two inquiries for large bulk orders of my journals.

It's funny what happens when you stop focusing on what you have and just focus on what you don't -- everything suddenly sucks. 

I spent a couple of hours trying to find ways to load more things onto my already full plate just because everything around me was telling me I couldn't have it.

Luckily for me, there was no amount on finagling that could open the doors God closed and that frustrated me too for a couple of days. 

Then, one morning as part of my morning routine, I was listening to my favorite podcast. And while the highlight selected by the podcast host was about the speaker (who has a disability) saying everyone has a disability, but not everyone's disability is visible, there was another quote that really resonated with me. Throughout his speech he talked about the things he overcame and he said there was some things he just couldn't do, but he was going to do the things he could with all his heart. 

I've said it a million times, perspective is everything. Some days are better than others. And if we're honest with ourselves, life is more than just "think positive." Feelings are real;they are valid, but they aren't everything. I know myself well enough to know when my feelings are leading me astray and strong enough to seek harmony when I need it. 

There are some things I just can't do -- right now or perhaps, ever -- but everything God allows me to do, I will do it with all my heart.