Baby Talk: I've got the baby delay blues
Funny story, the same doctor's appointment I received my referral to see the breast surgeon is the same appointment I received my prescription for Metformin so Souers and I could try for a baby. The prescription was automatically sent to CVS, but I was told that I could only take it under one condition.
"Wait until you get cleared by the breast surgeon first," my OBGYN said. "They're really good at getting to the bottom of these kinds of things.
At the time, all we knew is I had swollen, painful breast and nipple discharge.
"You're too young for cancer," they said.
"It's probably just a clogged milk duct."
While my OB and I could have never imagined I had breast cancer, months after the problem started and all initial test results were negative, both of us just wanted an answer for my broke boob.
I'm thankful she didn't ignore my complaint.
Fast forward to today. I am post-active treatment and currently, taking Tamoxifen before I start ovarian suppression later this month. Hormone therapy causes drastic changes in pre-menopausal women and as you can see, babies are sort of a soft spot for me.
Recently, my medical oncologist changed her recommendation on how long I need to do hormone therapy before I can take a baby break. She causally raised the bar from two to five years and I was devastated to say the least.
We had already frozen 6 embryos. We had set up our finances to have the initial IVF procedure paid off as we saved for the embryo implantation in two years. We were planning to buy convertible furniture for our future baby room so we wouldn't be hit with too many expenses at once. We were ready to prepare. We were.
But five years is a big difference.
As a woman of faith, I understand that a delay is not a denial. So, I've been trying to find purpose in the delay.
Maybe God wants me to accomplish something. Maybe God wants us to work on our marriage. This will be a great chance to build a solid foundation.
See, I'm trying here.
But then I started to worry.
What is this medicine going to do to my body over five years? What if the changes to my uterus prevent us from being able to re-implant the embryos? Do I need to be considering a surrogate? What if I have a recurrence before the five years?
And it didn't get any better from there.
As I sat on my therapist's couch I listed off all the things that could go wrong. It looked really similar to my list above, but it also specifically referred to the next five years as my "baby void."
"Woah," said my therapist as she leaned forward in her chair. "Remember whose child you are. Remember the God you serve. Just because things went wrong for other women, doesn't mean they will go wrong for you. Knowing statistics is good and being logical is fine, but don't forget your faith."
She was right and I knew it.
I was being distracted and discouraged by the mere thought of things going wrong. Things I couldn't control. Things I cannot and will not spend the next five years stressing over.
For my spirit, she recommended I start reading about manifestation. For my sanity, I put my OBGYN on a 6-month rotation just like my cancer care team. If something goes wrong, I want us to be on top of it. I want to give my body the best chance at staying healthy.